


To Hold, But Not to Have

by project_break



Series: If You Only Knew [1]
Category: Super Junior-M
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 10:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/project_break/pseuds/project_break
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s pretty sure Zhou Mi doesn’t realize he’s doing it – he’s a tactile person and he’s friendly to everyone and Kyuhyun’s one of his best friends, so of course he’s extra tactile and friendly with him, and also, he’s straight – but that actually doesn’t make Kyuhyun feel any better, since he wants Zhou Mi to be doing it on purpose. Because he kind of loves him a bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Hold, But Not to Have

When any given fan is asked to make a list of Super Junior’s fifteen going from who she thinks is most likely to be gayer than a parade of rainbow-coloured unicorns to who she thinks is least, the list goes something like this (with an margin of error of one or two places): Heechul, Zhou Mi, Ryeowook, Leeteuk, Donghae, Sungmin, Siwon, Eunhyuk, Kangin, Han Geng, Kibum, Kyuhyun, Yesung, Henry, and Shindong. In reality, only three people in this list would acknowledge (if only to themselves) that they belong there, in order: Kyuhyun (has known for pretty much always but isn’t obvious), Ryeowook (would die if anyone else knew [so it’s a good thing he doesn’t know that everyone else knows]), and Heechul (everyone knows is bisexual, so he barely even counts). But, Kyuhyun thinks, these facts don’t really mitigate the awkward circumstances he is currently folded into.

The “awkward circumstances” in question are currently all over the couch in a controlled sprawl next to him and on top of him, their head resting on his lap and a fashion magazine in their hands. Zhou Mi keeps making periodic sounds of awe as he flips through the pages of the latest edition of some Chinese fashion magazine that he bought in the airport in Beijing for the flight back to Seoul. Kyuhyun estimates that he’s been reading it for roughly a week, and he really can’t understand how it continues to be so fascinating. Also, he would prefer that Zhou Mi be inexplicably fascinated elsewhere, since his head is currently in the airspace where Kyuhyun’s 360 controller usually goes, and it’s uncomfortable to have to hold it over his head and annoying to have to consciously avoid not moving around too much, even when he gets really into a tough boss fight.

Only, it’s really nice to have Zhou Mi so close. It’s really, really nice to feel the weight of his head in his lap and to see his bright red hair skewed messily across Kyuhyun’s jeans and to smell that weird, but not bad, combination of his mango shampoo and his slightly smoky cologne. God. Fucking. Damnit. Kyuhyun sort of hates his life.

Everyone talks about them as “Kyu-Mi” and points to how Zhou Mi is so physical with him, is so ready to touch him and drape himself over him and hold his hand and hug him and…urgf. He’s pretty sure Zhou Mi doesn’t realize he’s doing it – he’s a tactile person and he’s friendly to everyone and Kyuhyun’s one of his best friends, so of course he’s extra tactile and friendly with him, and also, he’s _straight_ – but that actually doesn’t make Kyuhyun feel any better, since he wants Zhou Mi to be doing it on purpose. Because he kind of loves him a bit. 

Heechul is the only one who knows (at least, Kyuhyun thinks he’s the only one who knows, although the Laws of Nature pretty much imply that Han Geng does, too, and he’s pretty sure that Henry’s been laughing behind his hand at him when he talks about having girlfriends) and Kyuhyun isn’t really sure how he found out. All he knows is that one day when Zhou Mi and Jungmo were visiting the dorm and Zhou Mi had gone to the kitchen to get some water, Heechul had sidled over to him and commented casually, “Well, at least he knows you exist. You could potentially be more pathetic. Always remember that.”

Kyuhyun’s not sure if he hates Heechul for being a creepy, passive-stalker type, or loves him for not being his typical loud-mouth self and letting everyone else know. He settles on spending Friday nights with him in the dorms when he’s stuck at home instead of being able to go out with the rest, and then spending those nights trading acerbic insults with him and attempting to annihilate him in Super Smash Brothers (the lose-win ratio is far, far closer than either of them would ever admit). This also means that he doesn’t spend Friday nights out getting drunk, potentially with Zhou Mi, which can never be anything but a good thing, since Kyuhyun’s the type of drunk who forgets pretty much everything but his name once he gets too far in, and he really, really, doesn’t want to be the cliché who wakes up in the morning and has a sinking feeling as to why his best friend is keeping his distance in a big, big way.

Zhou Mi has apparently reached the “embarrassing situations” section again, because he’s started giggling behind his hand, and soon the giggles turn into full-bodied laughs and Kyuhyun has to pause his game because Zhou Mi is shaking him and the couch and he can’t keep his hands steady. He puts the controller down just in time to grab at – and catch – Zhou Mi as he almost rolls off the couch.

“Ah!” Zhou Mi’s arm is warm under his hand, all of him is warm as he curls up on his side facing the back of the couch, and presses his face into Kyuhyun’s shirt to stifle his laughter. “Oh my God, Kuixian! I’m sorry!” And then the howls of laughter are back, and surely _nothing_ in that magazine is funny enough (especially on the, what, fifth reading?) to warrant this level of hysterics.

“What is wrong with you, idiot?” Kyuhyun asks, trying his hardest to affect grumpiness when all he can really think about is Zhou Mi’s face, his mouth and hot breath against his stomach with only Kyuhyun’s thread-bare t-shirt as a barrier.

“I don’t know!” Zhou Mi laughs, gasping for breath. “It’s not even that – funny. I just can’t…stop….laughing!” His face is red and he’s shaking and Kyuhyun can tell that he’s going to get a serious case of hiccups after this subsides, so he does the only logical thing.

“Kuixian?” Zhou Mi says, as suspiciously as one can through giggles, evidently feeling Kyuhyun’s fingers creeping their spidery way down his side. “What are you doi – AH!” Kyuhyun digs his fingers into the tender spot just below his ribs and begins Operation: Tickle Mercilessly. “Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Kui – ahahahahahaha!” His body convulses as he tries to squirm away, and this time Kyuhyun doesn’t try to catch him before he falls on the floor.

“Ow.” Zhou Mi says plaintively, looking up at Kyuhyun peering down at him with a quizzical look on his face. And then he starts laughing again. Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and gives him a gentle nudge in the ribs with his foot. Zhou Mi makes a weak grab for it as it retreats as though he’s going to try and tickle it, and Kyuhyun fixes him with a grave stare. 

“If you touch my feet, I will end you. Or I’ll wipe all of your contacts out of your phone.” He picks Zhou Mi’s iPhone off of the side table and holds it above his head menacingly. “I’m going to get you some water. Don’t try anything, or the phone gets it.” Zhou Mi nods solemnly before breaking out into tiny giggles again. Kyuhyun sighs and pads his way into the kitchen in his socked feet, Zhou Mi’s phone securely in his pocket. 

When he comes back, the television is set to the DVD input and Zhou Mi is on the couch with two remotes in his hands. Kyuhyun’s 360 controller is nowhere to be seen. He opens his mouth to ask, but: “Yes, I saved it. Don’t worry. And I turned it off and put the controller away in the drawer. I’m not stupid.” Zhou Mi takes the glass that’s offered to him and takes a drink. And then hiccups. He grimaces. “Ow.”

Kyuhyun grins. “Serves you right.”

“Kuixian!” Kyuhyun ignores his faux-wounded expression and takes his spot on the couch next to him, braced by the armrest. He takes a drink from his own glass and tries to hide his smirk when Zhou Mi hiccups again. 

“So,” he says, “what are we watching?”

“ _I’m_ watching Batman. I don’t know what you’re doing.” Kyuhyun elbows him. “Ouch! Why so serious?” he asks in English, heavily accented but completely understandable, and Kyuhyun fixes him with the most dead-pan stare he can muster.

“You did not,” he says.

“I did,” Zhou Mi replies, and he looks very, very pleased with himself. Kyuhyun stares for a few more seconds before deciding that it’s a lost cause. Zhou Mi fiddles around with the remotes, pressing buttons and muttering under his breath before the movie (in English with Korean subtitles) is on.

Kyuhyun switches the lamp off with his right hand and tries not to jump when he feels Zhou Mi’s arm creep around his waist, worming against the back of the couch and his spine to get a hand curled just above his hip. He tugs and Kyuhyun leans against him easily, cursing himself and wishing that he wasn’t like this, that he could just enjoy being with his best friend without having all these _thoughts_ about him and without having to force himself to concentrate on the movie instead of on the warmth of Zhou Mi’s hand and how nice he smells and how it’s kind of awkward that his left arm is sort of smushed between them, wouldn’t it be more comfortable if he put his arm around Zhou Mi’s waist as well? But he can’t do that, because _he_ isn’t the affectionate one, hasn’t really ever been, and if he started now then Zhou Mi wouldn’t be able to help but to suspect. 

And Kyuhyun really, really doesn’t want to lose him.

 

When he opens his eyes again, it’s dark and very warm. His head is pillowed on Zhou Mi’s shoulder, and he lifts it hastily. The television is off, but he can see in the weak light coming from the kitchen that Zhou Mi is asleep, head tipped back against the couch, mouth open and snoring softly. His arm is still wound tight around Kyuhyun’s waist, although his grip is lax. One of Sungmin’s heinous neon pink blankets is spread over the both of them, and there’s a series of post-it notes stuck to it. Kyuhyun moves his arm as gingerly as he can and picks them up one-by-one, holds them to the inconsiderable light to read. He has to resist the urge to smack his forehead: “You two are disgusting” (Youngwoon), “You guys were so cute, we didn’t want to wake you up! Hope you slept well~!” (Ryeowook), “Seriously, Kyuhyun?” (Heechul), “Don’t do anything weird with my blanket. I want it back” (Sungmin), “ _Seriously_ , Kyuhyun?!” (Bangshin).

Kyuhyun crumples them up and puts them on the side table, and his movement seems to pull Zhou Mi a little out of sleep. His hand tightens around Kyuhyun’s waist and he tugs him back against his side, murmuring happily as Kyuhyun goes with it and leans into him. The digital clock across the room says 1:30 AM and no one else is awake. It’s just the two of them, alone, and Zhou Mi is all but in dreamland. Kyuhyun lets himself be a little reckless, and he rests his hand on Zhou Mi’s stomach, instead of on his own thigh. The warmth bleeds through Zhou Mi’s shirt into his palm, and Kyuhyun gives his own involuntary, happy sigh before he falls back asleep with Zhou Mi’s scent and heat all around him.

 

The next time Kyuhyun wakes up, it’s still dark. His head is still resting on Zhou Mi’s shoulder, and Zhou Mi’s head is tipped toward him, nose almost brushing his hair. He closes his eyes again. His brain is foggy with sleep and a little euphoric, and he thinks about all of the things he tries not to during the day. Love, and how it snuck up on him just like that: _You’re my friend, you’re my best friend, don’t ever leave my side, I need you, I_ – and how he’s always been too afraid to show it. How it isn’t fair that Zhou Mi, who practically everyone thinks is the world’s most obvious flamer, trusts Kyuhyun enough to confide his crushes in him – all the girls (only girls) he’s liked, and how he feels so stupid and weird and awkward around them, and he wants to ask her on a date, but he isn’t sure if that’s too forward, they only met a few weeks ago, and _Kuixian, what should I wear? This tie or this one?_ How it especially isn’t fair that, even though Zhou Mi will never be interested in him, that Zhou Mi will never love him the way that Kyuhyun loves him, Zhou Mi is so affectionate, so easily open and eager to touch and hold and comfort. How, when Zhou Mi talks to him sometimes, he puts a hand on Kyuhyun’s thigh and leans in to him in interest, and how, like now, Zhou Mi will fall asleep with an arm around Kyuhyun’s waist, almost in possession, but only in Kyuhyun’s mind.

Zhou Mi smells so nice, like a campfire in a citrus orchard, and Kyuhyun hunts for the source of that scent, snuggling closer and sniffing quietly along his neck, finding it just behind his ear, where the smoke from the cologne rubbed against his neck mixes perfectly with the mango in his ginger hair. He sighs against his skin and imagines that Zhou Mi’s arm tightens almost imperceptibly around his waist. Kyuhyun opens his eyes and his eyelashes brush gently against Zhou Mi’s skin. He had no idea he was so close to him. He imagines Zhou Mi giving a tiny shiver as he stares: pale, smooth, sweet-smelling skin in a glowing dark right before his eyes, right below his lips. Zhou Mi is asleep. He won’t know. He doesn’t have to know. It’s harmless. It won’t hurt anyone…

Kyuhyun presses his mouth gently against his neck, feels the heat of his skin bleed into his lips and down into his heart, and he although he pulls away a moment later, he knows he needs just one more time. Once more. He’ll never know. Kyuhyun licks his lips unconsciously before he leans back in and presses one more, tiny, almost insignificant kiss against the skin. Zhou Mi gasps, and Kyuhyun suddenly snaps into reality. He can suddenly feel everything, the tension in Zhou Mi’s limbs which he had been ignoring, the too-controlled, strict way he was breathing. He was awake. He had _been_ awake. Fuck.

Tears are in Kyuhyun’s eyes before he even has time to process it completely, but his body knows what to do. He recoils from Zhou Mi’s side, from the arm around his waist, from the large, open, brown eyes which are staring at him in shock. He slams his back into the arm of the couch as he scrambles to back up and it hurts like a motherfucker, but he can’t even think about it right now because he has to get away get away get away get away – 

Zhou Mi reaches out after him, a long arm stretching toward him, and his mouth is moving, he’s saying something, but Kyuhyun can’t hear it over the blood pounding in his ears. He shakes his head and tries to ignore the tears cascading down his cheeks because Jesus-fucking-Christ he doesn’t cry he’s not that type this isn’t happening his best friend oh God oh God it’s all so fucked up and –

He’s out of arm’s reach, he’s stumbling, he’s trying to leave, but go where? Not to his room with Sungmin who’ll ask questions and not to Ryeowook who’ll tell him he did nothing wrong and not to Heechul who will say nothing at all and just know. Not to those places but where can he go, where can he?

It doesn’t matter because he barely gets four steps before a hand snags his wrist and tugs him back and his momentum sends him crashing into Zhou Mi, who gets an arm around him, gets two arms around him and holds him steady, is solid against his struggling, puts one arm around his waist and one around his shoulders and holds him.

Holds him.  
Holds him.

Kyuhyun breaks down as silently as he can, since the others are sleeping and he doesn’t want them to see this. To see him like this. 

Zhou Mi is so tall, he’s so perfect for holding him, just like this, his shoulder at just the right height for Kyuhyun to rest his head on. It breaks his heart a little more: that feeling that they’re made for each other, compatible, but they will never be together, tearing inside of him. His best friend who was made to hold him, who doesn’t love him but will keep him safe even from himself, even when he’s confusing and awkward and _wrong_.

“Kuixian,” Zhou Mi murmurs, his voice soft, his nose pressed into Kyuhyun’s hair, his hand curled around the nape of Kyuhyun’s neck. “Kuixian, don’t cry. Don’t cry, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s fine…”

But it’s not okay. It isn’t. It never will be.

Wrenching himself of out Zhou Mi’s arms feels like the toughest thing he’s ever done in his life, his heart and Zhou Mi’s grip trying to keep him close. But his brain commands his muscles to pull and push and he gets away. He backs up, shaking his head, watching Zhou Mi as he tries to advance on him and putting a hand out to halt him.

“No,” he says. “Don’t. Please. Don’t follow me.” 

Zhou Mi is his best friend, and Zhou Mi stands there and watches silently as Kyuhyun fumbles on his sneakers and his coat and runs out the door toward Minho’s dorm with Zhou Mi’s phone in his pocket and nothing else.

He doesn’t see the glitter of tears on Zhou Mi’s cheeks as the door clicks shut.

It doesn’t matter anyway.

 

Does it?


End file.
